Cheeky's Hideaway

Farewell to FiDi

For most of my life in New York, I've been working in the FiDi*.  With the exception of a brief period in Queens, the shadowy canyons of Lower Manhattan have been my daytime home away from home.  I know it's 17th century streets well, and can point confused tourists looking for the Stock Exchange or Battery Park in the right direction.  So much of my history with this city has been there.

That all comes to an end today. 

Starting next week I'll be broadcasting live from the musty armpit beneath Grand Central Station, a location with all the charm of an industrial park, with the added bonus of being without trees.  I shouldn't complain much, since my new office does have an outdoor patio, a pool table, and an Xbox 360 (god help me) but I will definitely miss the storied streets I've called "work" for seven years.

Farewell short commute, which was sometimes so quick I arrived before I left.

Farewell Au Bon Pain, Cosi, Hale & Hearty Soup, and Quizno's.  You've been my sole form of nutrition for a long time now.  I'm sure the Au Bon Pain, Cosi, Hale & Hearty Soup and Quizno's in my new neighborhood won't be as charming.

Farewell Stone Street.  Seriously...you'll be missed.

Farewell narrow streets which blocked the sun, dropping temperatures by a dozen degrees.

Farewell stock brokers, with your pin-striped suits and annual bonuses bigger than my cumulative salary over the last four years.  I hope your helicopter crashes on the way to the Hamptons.

Farewell construction site outside my windows.  I LOVED the dynamiting you were doing last spring, but that crane is swinging those beams a little too close to my window for comfort.  May the new tenants have excellent insurance.

Farewell Starbucks in my building.  I can't believe I'll have to cross the street for coffee now...

Farewell empty streets after 7 PM.  You'd think we'd been hit by the superflu on the weekends...I half expect to see tumbleweeds roll by.

Farewell to all that.  It's been a good run, but it's time for me to find another neighborhood to mock.   As long as J & R is there, you know I'll always be back.

* "FiDi" is short for Financial District, a pathetic attempt to build cache for the a stodgy 'hood the same way Tribeca ("Triangle Beneath Canal") and Dumbo ("Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass") did.  Instead it just makes it sound like a rapper who wouldn't be caught dead there.

This n' That

As I write this, I'm sitting at our dining room table, waiting for my sweat-soaked shirt to dry.  I should be at work right now, but I arrived at the subway station to find a crowd of people surrounding an MTA officer with torches and pitchforks.  He was trying to explain to them that the nearest operational subway station was in suburban Philadelphia, and the best way to get to Manhattan was to swim.

New York had a bit of a rough morning, and with a target heat index somewhere in an empty box on my chart it doesn't look like it's going to get better.  So while I'm waiting let's catch up on a couple things...

OWNED!

A week and a half ago my company was acquired by another.  Rumors had been flying around for a while, and there was some understandable anxiety about what might happen to us if it happened.  Personally, I've had a pretty positive outlook on the whole thing.  Our company wasn't exactly dominating the industry, and I think there's a much better chance that I'll actually be doing something I'm good at under the new regime.  They're consolidating offices in New York, so in a few months I'll replace my near instantaneous commute with a longer trip to one of the city's less desirable neighborhoods.  But since the new office will actually have windows I consider it an upgrade.

Better yet, I met some of the new guys last night, and I noticed that (a) they can drink, (b) they host poker night every Tuesday and play fantasy football, (c) they can drink a lot, and (d) did I mention they can drink?  That's what we call a "cultural fit."

Regardless, it should be an interesting ride...

57 Channels and Nothing On

When Excalibur joined the family, we needed to upgrade our cable box so Drew Carey's pores can be seen in all they're shimmering glory.  Unfortunately, the box they gave us had some operational issues, so they sent a cable guy over to take care of it.

Two and a half hours later, the cable guy gives up.  We're staring at the screen, wondering why I now have Cinemax but can't get ESPN.  He has recut every wire, replaced every splitter, and tested the signal until it qualified for college credits.  I have to admit the guy seemed to know what he was doing, unlike some other people Time Warner Cable hires, but it wasn't a good sign when the supervisor, over speakerphone, says "it may take 48 hours" to resolve the issue. 

All this for baseball and reruns?  It hardly seems worth it.  If it weren't for Flight of the Conchords and the obligatory reruns of Dora I'd unplug the damn thing.

OK, it's getting late, and I really need to get into the office.  Time to find some alternate transportation.

You Know It's Going to Be an Interesting Week When...

• You're conducting your first extended consulting gig at a client office, and the person who is supposed to go along with you to get you up to speed cancels after you arrive on site.
• The client calls an emergency meeting for their entire staff first thing in the morning to announce that the office is closing and all the jobs are moving to Atlanta
• After debating whether or not to reschedule everything you decide to proceed, but the first interview you conduct is interrupted so that the client can hug and say goodbye to the guy being escorted to the door by security.

That was all before 11 AM.  I wonder what tomorrow wil bring...

Now Let Me Welcome Everybody to the Wild, Wild West

I'm mentally operating at about one-quarter impulse power today.  I flew to L.A. on a late night flight for some work meetings, and since being expelled from Continental's Elite program last year I was relegated to a middle seat in the back of the plane, a couple aisles in front of a screaming baby and about 10 centimeters behind the reclined seat in front of me.  I still feel like my shoulders are touching my nipples.

To make matters worse, my cab took me to the Marriott in Marina Del Rey, which as it turns out was not the only Marriott in Marina Del Rey.  I discovered this at about 4 AM Eastern time; my body couldn't understand why I'd still be up without partying or video games involved.  I walked into a well-appointed lobby, wanting nothing more than to curl up in bed and pass out, but was told I had to take another cab to what appeared upon entry to be the first Marriott every built, presumably from pre-stained materials.  And I hadn't even made it to the room yet...

This morning, I arrived at the office and stared longingly at the festively decorated Starbucks cups people were carrying when I got to the office.  i begged to know where to get one, and someone helpfully pointed out that there was a Starbucks "just up on the corner." 

To a New Yorker that means something very different than it does in California.  New Yorkers wouldn't cross the street to get a cup of coffee*, which is why Starbucks has built one on every single block.  When I think "up on the corner" I expect it to be no more than 30 yards from me, past two nail salons, a Dutch-Mayan restaurant, and several pool of unidentified liquid.  Things are on a different scale here, and getting "up to the corner" requires half a tank of gas and some MRE's.  How will we ever end our dependence on foreign oil if we keep building things so far away?

What I needed was Starbucks Special Forces to burst through the windows and skylights, hand me a venti with a Red Bull chaser, and cover me while I drank it.  instead, I popped a couple Tylenol and hoped no one noticed me staring at them.

So I'm forgoing my usual ritual of watching Sports Center reruns until I can't anymore and going to bed early.  Maybe I'll be more alert tomorrow....

* We only cross the street to punch people in the nuts

Observations from an Advertising Convention

I spent the last couple days at an advertising industry event here in New York.  I'm not in advertising, but using the logic of "we work for people who advertise" and "it has 'tech' in it's title" we all hung name-tag lanyards around our necks and fought through the crowds at the Hilton to see what new and exciting ideas were bubbling to the surface of the advertising world.

I'm not used to these kinds of events.  The "conventions" I've been to are generally attended by either old white men who are über-serious about profit margins and anxious to get to the strip club their mistresses chewing the carcasses of the middle class a very important meeting, or geeky, pasty guys with "Oracle" or "Sun Microsystems" embroidered on their polo shirts and enough pagers, cellphones, and PDA's hanging from their belts to make Robin jealous.

Advertising conferences are apparently much different.  See: lots of $300 jeans and overpriced shirts from LES boutiques.  Hear:  exuberant talk about "creating buzz" and "the wow-factor."  Feel: massive denial that they're in this industry by choice, and not because they couldn't get good grades in jobs requiring math, science, or reading skills.

• If I hear one more person earnestly and ardently tell me "it's not about you, it's about the customer" I'm going to stab someone.  Really?  Did you figure that out on your own?  Revolutionary!  Only multi-cellular organisms with primitive consciousness can grasp that...thanks for sharing!
• My vote for word most-likely to be so overused it will have lost all meaning by Christmas:  "engagement"
• Swag -- can't we do better than pens and squishy balls?  I can now transcribe the complete works of Edward Gibbon and not run out of ink.  (Although I probably dumped a box of business cards into the drawing for the Mac Mini.)
• By my calculation, there are 692 companies all doing the exact same thing who are "the industry leader" offering "best practices", and all completely indistinguishable from each other.
• This isn't a consumer electronics show...are the booth babes really necessary?  (On the other hand, those booths had a LOT more traffic)
• You can tell the difference between people like me (who thought they might learn something) and the rest of the group (who were SO EXCITED to be in New York on an expense account) by watching their eyes.  We were the ones walking straight forward, resisting eye-contact and sporting revealing a single thought: "please god, let me get through this"
• The line at Starbucks was longer than the women's bathroom line at Lilith Fair.  Thank god there's another one across the street.  And another a block away.  And another....and another....

It wasn't terrible.  It just wasn't really good.  I did get to see the legendary Ze Frank speak (funny dude, but you probably already knew that) and the free internet access meant web-surfing during the most boring presentations.  And taking a break from Powerpoint for any amount of time is a good thing.

We all know the best conferences are in Cancun.  Are you listening, boss?  Cancun...that's where ALL the best stuff happens.  If you need me to check it out for you let me know.  And I may need to bring my wife along, too.

Tales of a Weary Traveller

I've been Continental's bitch since I moved to New York.  I horded frequent flier miles like they were Krugerrands, and the occasional upgrades made the complete and utter lack of customer service perfectly acceptable.   But as those upgrades stopped coming, and I spent more and more time in steerage, I resigned myself to a life of quiet desperation staring at the seat back comfortably located three inches from my face.

So last week I took a shot on JetBlue, which I hadn't been on in years.  It wasn't like Continental was going to reward me for my loyalty, so why not spend half as much, right?  What I discovered--and I urge Larry Kellner to pay attention to this--was:

1. It is possible for an airline employee not to scowl and kick you when you enter the jet-way.  It was shocking to be greeted by someone who didn't wish they had a cattle-prod and a tazer in their hands.
2. Are you really going to lose that much revenue if you scoot the seats another three inches apart?  It's hard to stomach a cross-country flight with my shins in my face.
3. Does anybody use the air-phone?  Ever?  No...I have a hard time dialing home when I have to slide a credit card through the receiver.  So why not put a TV into that seat cushion in front of me?  You'd be amazed how effective ESPN and the History Channel can be at distracting me from the "chicken sandwich " the flight attendant just tossed in my lap.  Or are you afraid I'll be watching the Food Network?
4. If JetBlue can do all the above and charge me less, you have to wonder where all that extra money I was paying was going...

Maybe I was just beaten down, like a prisoner released from solitary confinement, but I openly wept at the experience.

While I'm on the topic of flying, let's discuss airport security.  How psyched do you think the marketing team at Ziploc was when they announced the new security rules?  I'd open a Ziploc kiosk at every ticket counter in America.  And does the double-zipper seal actually protect passengers from potential explosives?  Or does it just keep my shampoo fresh?

I find it ironic that I had a three minute argument with a TSA employee about whether a 4 oz. bottle of contact solution (half-empty) constituted a breach of security, but had I put it in my pocket and walked through the metal detector no one would have noticed.  Bang up job there, boys.

One thing I like to do when I travel is stock up on magazines I never read otherwise.  I moseyed into Hudson News at the airport and picked up the latest Maxim FHM Stuff Esquire magazine because it had Brad Pitt on the cover, and I thought he'd have some excellent parenting and marital advice.  It also said, in big block letters, "The Best Bar in America Revealed," which I took to be another excuse to pimp some offensively snobby and stupid velvet-rope lounge, possibly in New York but more likely in Des Moines so the editors could prove they aren't biased.  Imagine my delight when I discovered that they actually picked the right one.

I used to go to Nye's Polonaise all the time when I lived in Minneapolis.  It has huge, puffy vinyl booths that must date back to 1941.  That's also the year that most of the staff was hired.  My friends and I would order a round of shitty Eastern European beers (my favorite was Kraken) and ask Lou, the ancient piano player, to sing songs for us.  Then, if the pickled herring and lutefisk hadn't made us sick yet we'd cross over to the "old side" and polka our brains out until last call.  It absolutely kicks ass, and kudos to Esquire for actually realizing it.

All these memories were being conjured up on my return trip, which wasn't the best timing.  It was an overnighter for work to discuss strategery and meet with people who I only knew by voice.  Since we were all on expense accounts we followed protocol and went out for drinks immediately afterwords.  I have to remind myself that just because beer is "free" doesn't mean that you need to get as much in you as possible before the "freeness" wears off.  So when I boarded the plane the next morning I had low cognition, uncontrollable flatulence, and the taste of pancreas in the back of my throat. 

All to the delight, I'm sure, of the fine staff at JetBlue, who let me listen to my iPod as we landed and smiled while I used the eye drops in the 4 oz. bottle I kept in my pocket...

Damn TPS Reports....

Much to my surprise, I find myself busy at work today.  Constantly in meetings; constantly on the phone.  I had hoped to post a recap of the weekend's activities, including a meeting with a famous and fabulous fellow blogger (I don't think my sexual-orientation allows me to use the word "fabulous" but I think it's time we took it back) and mirth and merriment for the whole Crouton Clan under the punishing New York sun, but that will have to wait until I have more time.

It's funny...I lament when I'm not busy at work, then I lament when I am.  Does anyone know of a job in which work isn't involved at all?  Or at least it never feels like work?  I can only think of one.  If so, my resume and references are available upon request.

Anyway, the Top 100 will continue this week, and I'll try to circle back with some nuggets of wisdom, humor, or BS later this week.  Peace out.

Hey, I Want Some Free Stuff

I noticed over the weekend that some of my favorite bloggers all reviewed a portable DVD player.  Was it coincidence that each of them were talking about the exact same brand and style of device?  Hardly.  I work in this industry, and everyone is talking about how to use the blogosphere to promote their products.  Bloggers wield tremendous influence nowadays, and companies are not above bribing enticing bloggers to say something about their products in the hope of driving business their way.  This poses an important and challenging question for bloggers like me, who try to maintain a sporadically funny family blog:

Where's my loot?

Seriously, I have a portable DVD player, too...I'm typing on it right now.  That so doesn't count!  Why isn't anyone sending me this crap?  Want me to be a shill for the newest cool gadget or home appliance?  I'll give you my address.  Want me to wax poetic on the virtues of protective clothing or frozen dessert?  We'll take 'em.  Want me to sing the praises of the newest Matthew McConaughey movie?  That's where I draw the line.

Dude, I'm MADE for this!  I'm a CONSUMER, in that I CONSUME.  And I come from a long line of Italians which understands the importance of "favors," capiche?  If you show me some love, I'll throw some right back at ya!  And if you don't, then I can't promise there won't be some re-zoning in your neighborhood, if you know what I mean...

You wanna send me the newest exercise fad?  Fine.  A gun which shoots teddy bears?  OK.  The latest in hosiery?  Well, I'll find some use for it. 

So if you're a PR representative with a desparate reputable and fun product to sell, please don't hesitate to call.

Do I Get a Lap Dance if I Invest With You?

Do you ever wish you could feel like you did when you were 23 years old?  No responsibilities, a little income, and a well-honed lack of judgement?  If so, then I'd recommend rounding up 11 guys and going to New Orleans for the weekend.

If you haven't been down there, I highly recommend it.  Set aside the fact that God (and W) both hate it and want it destroyed.  We spent the weekend just steps away from Bourbon Street, where the bead and novelty t-shirt-based economy has fully recovered.  Much of the workforce has returned, and the food was ridiculously awesome.  It may not have the best reputation, but it's still a beautiful, fun city.

As per bachelor party requirements, I'm happy to report that the bachelor was both greatly honored and utterly abused.  Unfortunately for all of you, I cannot go into greater detail without (a) a beer in my hand, (b) the opportunity to publicly humiliate anyone who may have passed out, and (c) acknowledging a certain gender-bias in the stories which would implicitly break the Code.  You'll have to get it out of me some other way.  Besides, this is a family blog and I don't want to show up at the top of Google searches for "Joe Pesci bukkake".

Don't check.  You probably already did, didn't you?  Not worth it, was it...

Anyway, I followed that fun-fest with two days at a finance conference, exploring such innovative topics as "Creating Agility with Business Process Management" and "Best Practices in Managing Enterprise Risk & Compliance."  That's not easy after the way I treated my body over the weekend  but I know more about opportunities in internet banking and baby boomer retirement planning, and it was worth it.  And when you work in an important field such as mine you can't be too well-prepared.

So needless to say I've been busy.  How have you all been? 

I Can't Believe I Didn't Escape the Death Star Sooner

I started the new job yesterday, and I'm happy to report the following:

• My commute can take up to 7 minutes when the trains are running late
• Everyone has iTunes on their computer
• Unlike my last job, I can actually access all the web-sites I want, like fantasy football, video games, and crazy people
• We had an extensive debate this morning as to who was the best lead in Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical - David Hasselhoff or Sebastian Bach
• I was explicitly informed about the company's policy of "no alcohol in the office."  I was then shown the refrigerator...
• I should have no trouble finding a Starbucks

And that's just after two days.  Wait until I actually have work to do!