Cheeky's Hideaway

We've Made a Terrible Mistake

Close your eyes and take a little journey with me.  Relax, and let the scene unfold...

The time:  way too early

The setting:  the Crouton's bedroom

The mood:  very, very sleepy

We see our heroes, nestled snuggly in bed, exhausted from an evening of aggressive sitting around.  Spoiled by a child who values sleep as much as they do, they rest comfortably knowing there are hours left before they'd need to rise and greet the day.

*ca-click*

thump thump thump thump thump thump thump

"MOMMY!  I NEED YOU HELP ME!"

*snort* *cough*

"what the...?"

"MOMMY!  CAN YOU HELP ME?"

"What do you need help with, sweety?"

"I don't know!"

Thus began our odyssey into the next phase of parenthood:  the crib-free era

I have to take responsibility.  It was my idea.  I thought getting a toddler bed was a good idea.

I mean, Cheeky could climb out of her crib if she wanted to.  She just never did!  And besides, she'd sleep forever...what harm would it do?  It was time, right?

Right?

She's so proud of herself, peddling out of the bedroom five or six times a night, or standing next to our bed with an silent, creepy smile.  Never mind that she's in such a good mood when she doesn't sleep.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time.  Now I look at the toddler bed and see a Vessel of Doom, some ancient device with the power to rob parents of their sleep and sanity. 

I've considered building a barbed-wire barrier, or putting electrified plates on the floor, but I suspect Child Protection Services would have an issue with those.  Moving a couch in front of the door is a temporary solution.  And moving out is too expensive. 

What's your suggestion?  Answer quick...I think she's coming...

Weekend Update (w/ Celebrity Guest Star!)

it's amazing what we can accomplish when we're motivated.

It's amazing how motivating the prospect of four days trapped in your apartment can be.

Unlike every living biped on the planet, we didn't make plans to get away this weekend.  While New York City emptied out like water through a strainer, we stuck around, trading in a leisurely drive to an exotic destination for rare, unfettered access to restaurants and parking in our own city.

With so much time, so few barriers, and the kind of weather that makes me tell Californians to "suck it," we did what any other shockingly good-looking family would do?  We went to the zoo.

I love zoos.  Not the cramped, cagey zoos where the polar bears swim laps for hours because suicide isn't an alternative.  I'm talking the big, sprawling, leafy zoos that feel like jungles and have enough space to move so you don't want to punch the fat, ignorant people zig-zagging slowly in front of you in the back of the head. 

So we packed up snacks, said goodbye to our kick-ass parking space, and headed to the Bronx so Cheeky could see wildlife that for once wasn't collecting cans or swearing in Russian.

There was much to recommend about the excursion, from the great weather to the otters having sex, but by far the best part was that we killed five hours on a Saturday.  We usually define a successful weekend by the amount of Lexapro and Wellbrutin left in the bottles Monday morning, so any opportunity to distract ourselves from the endless drudgery of our meager existence I embrace with the enthusiasm of Cookie Monster at an Oreo factory.

And our weekend motivation didn't stop there!  I distracted Cheeky for a few hours on Sunday while Oodgie rifled through her toys, seeking contributions to the local landfill charity.  Afterwards it was like our scruffy, overweight apartment had gone on an intense diet and exercise regimen and emerged as a trim, dashing stallion, complete with obligatory montage. 

We even retired Cheeky's crib and assembled her $79 "big girl bed."  (That's right, $79! Toys R Us, baby!)  We thought it would be some monumental occasion, but it turned out to be just another day in the life for the Cheekster.  Who knows how long it will take her to figure out the ground is just a couple inches beneath, but for now she's staying put, as if the edge of the bed is a sonic barrier...

Finally, to top the whole adventure off, we went to the amusement park on Memorial Day.  Because Oodgie and I are both really into nausea, compressed vertebrae, and heatstroke.  Not that any of that mattered to Cheeky, who gamely waited in line for 20 minutes to ride on a faux plane no bigger than a St. Bernard for 120 seconds.

But while we were there we were yet again reminded that stars, indeed, are just like us...

In case you can't tell, that is Jon Stewart.  Even celebrities have to drag their kids to the playground on weekends.

Looking back, I still can't believe we did all that.  It's almost like we have "energy" and "inspiration."  I don't want you to get the wrong impression; I'm sure we'll be back to lying exhausted on the living room floor while Cheeky riverdances on our heads again within a couple days.

Just Another 'Parents Night' in New York

I rushed into the school cafeteria, late, scanning the heads of the seated parents for Oodgie.  It was our first "parent night" at Cheeky's new school, and work had kept me later than I'd planned.  It was an important milestone and I wanted to be there for it.

"Behind you!"

It's Oodgie, who I had nearly decapitated with my laptop bag mere moments before.  She was already sitting at a table with parents from Cheeky's class.

"It's OK...we'll make room," everyone says, as chairs slide apart to expose a corner of the table.

"Hi everyone.  Sorry I'm late"

Instinctually I reach across the table to the nearest mother to introduce myself.  There's a strange sense of familiarity to her.

"Hi, I'm Tony."

"Hi, I'm Hope."

That's what her name tag said.  "Hope"  Plus the names of her two kids, one of whom is in Cheeky's class this fall.

I can't decide if that means we've inadvertently put Cheeky into a fancy school, or if that's just New York for you.  After all, we did pass Sigourney Weaver on the street last week, and I just happened to walk past a meeting with George Pataki just hours before.  But I also heard a rumor that "Bob" sent his kids to Cheeky's school, too.

No wonder we feel poor, if that's the local crowd we compete against...

Anyway, she's super nice and totally normal.  We talked about the school, the success of our diet, and growing up in New Jersey.  But before I got there, Oodgie (who hated American Splendor but neglected to mention this to Hope) got to witness a funnier and more awkward conversational moment:

Guy sitting next to Hope:  "Do I know you from somewhere?"
Hope:  "Um, I don't know"
Guy sitting next to Hope:  "Really, I'm sure I know you from somewhere."
Hope:  Long pause.  Shrug.
Guy sitting next to Hope: Struggling to think of where he's seen her before
Hope:  Leaning forward, in almost a whisper, "I'm an actress."
Guy sitting next to Hope:  Pause.  Quizzical look.  "No, that's not it.  Where did you go to high school?"

It's On, But Not 'Til After Blues Clues

(Cross-posted on DadCentric, 'cause it's just that funny to me)

Hydro-Avoidance Syndrome

There are many things I don't understand about my child.

I don't understand why she insists on going outside during monsoon season, but when the sun is out for the first time in two months she wants to lock us all inside for a Zingo marathon.

I don't understand why her tongue can't pronounce L's or SP's in words.

I don't understand why she hates chocolate.

I don't understand why she only poops every three days.

But most of all I don't understand why she treats bathwater like it's acid.

Some couples compete for the affection of their children or the remote control on Thursday nights.  We compete to see who can avoid giving Cheeky a bath.

I'm no expert, but I thought kids loved the tub.  You've got toys!  You've got bubbles!  You can splash!  You can float upside down until you parents freak out!  What's not to love?

The tub-givin' process must be started early in our home, as there are multiple phases through which one must methodically progress to reach the Altar of Desoilification.  These phases include:

• Reality Manipulation, in which Cheeky declares certain facts to be self-evident, even though scientific evidence contradicts them.  Examples:  "No, I'm not dirty!" "It's not bed time!"  "That's not Daddy!"  "The world is flat and is supported by four elephants standing on the back of a giant turtle!"  "Mission Accomplished!"
• Acute Stress Response, in which Cheeky uses a combination of maneuvers to evade and escape us, presumably in hopes of wearing us out so we collapse and she can go back to Little Bear.
• Tympanic Overload, in which Cheeky manipulates her larynx to emit heretofore unknown screeches and wails to call social services, emergency medical personnel, or perhaps Hawkman or her mothership to come to her aid.

What's particularly aggravating is that once she's in the tub it's like it's the GREATEST PLACE EVER and she doesn't want to leave.  She can remember us promising her candy hours after we thought she'd moved on...I KNOW she remembers that baths can be fun.

There.  I think I've spent enough time typing up this post.  By now it should take just enough time to get home so that Oodgie has to give Cheeky her bath.   MWAH HA HAAAA! 

Employment does have it's advantages. ...

So That's What They Mean By "Off"-Season

One of the perks of my job (besides free internet access and a climate-controlled cube set to 'glacial') is that I occasionally get to work on cool projects for cool clients.  This is relatively rare--I've spent most of the year trying to sell supplemental insurance and high-yield corporate notes--but when someone says, "Hey CroutonBoy, we need your help with a Colorado ski resort chain...are you interested?" the hardest part is not giving the messenger an open-mouth kiss.

So last week I flew out to Colorado to meet the client, pitch their internet-strategy, and generally look handsome and smart.  It just so happens that I also happened to know the client from waaay back in a former life, and she pulled some strings and set me and Oodgie up with a weekend at a fancy new resort they just opened.  You know, to do some research.

Now, before everyone gets jealous (and you should be) you should note the date.  Despite the presence of several feet of fresh powder the resorts themselves have closed for the season.  This wasn't necessarily a bad thing, as it saved Oodgie the embarrassment of watching me learn to snowboard.  But it did mean that things were...quiet.

How quiet?  This quiet.

We had our run of the place.  No annoying crowds.  Incredible sales on winter gear and ski supplies.  The undivided attention of the resort staff.

Shuttered shops and restaurants.  Tour companies who don't return phone calls.  Empty hallways.  Tumbleweeds.  Literally.

I couldn't shake the feeling that it was chapter 7 of The Stand and Randall Flagg would come strutting around the corner.

But the deafening silence actually helped us relax, and in the end it was great to get away for a luxurious romantic weekend on the cheap.  I managed to avoid the internet for a few days, and it felt like we were gone for much longer than we actually were.  Can't complain about that.

But now I'm back.  I'm certain there'll be plenty to complain about soon.  Stay tuned.

The Most Important Thing You'll Read All Day

OK, not really.  In fact, you'll probably be pissed you followed that title to get here, only to realize I'm just plugging my new blog.

For some reason I felt that sporadic blogging here at Cheeky's Hideaway and the guilt I have for not blogging more frequently at DadCentric and Draft Day Suit wasn't enough.  I thought that my full-time job and parental responsibilities were insignificant enough to warrant me starting a new blog, because what I really need is another distraction in my life.

I may look like a mild-mannered professional, but within my chest beats the heart of a geek.  And there are others like me.  And just because we don't all order wedding cakes shaped like the Death Star or re-enact scenes from Grand Theft Auto doesn't mean we don't have a voice. 

So I'd like to proudly introduce My Wife Hates My Xbox, a new blog featuring (so far) myself and Mr. Big Dubya.  It's a place to discuss the nerdy, gadgety, and otherwise frowned-upon topics we enjoy which our spouses would rather we keep safely contained in basements and online chat rooms.

I hope you all visit and, if you enjoy it, tell your friends.  If it doesn't make sense to you, then I'll get you Oodgie's cell number and you can commiserate. 

Or perhaps I'll just let Robert Kelly explain...

Seven. Again.

First off, I need to thank the lovely Weirdgirl, who nominated me for the prestigious and totally-without-compensation Excellent Blog Award.   I've been a fan of her site and sense of humor for years, and, as Al Gore and Peter O'Toole can tell you (through clenched teeth) it's an honor just to be nominated.  Supposedly I'm obliged to pass this award along to ten other people (which means that at some point everyone will be nominated) but I'm going to wait on doing so until I actually have time to read more than ten blogs.

However, the bulk of today's blog will be a response to my friend Sparky at Dirt & Noise.  Like a bad penny or Cher, the "seven things" meme keeps coming back, and this time it was Sparky who is cruelly punishing me tagged me. 

Normally, I would use my kung fu to deflect or my spam filter to ignore the request, as I've done seven memes about a dozen times.  In my experience, only seals, sins, and samurais are good in sevens.  However, Sparky is one of my oldest, dearest friends (and pretty funny, too...you should visit her blog and say "Hi") and I can't simply blow this off like I would my taxes.  But since this is my blog, I'm going to slightly modify the rules.

Instead of the standard "seven things you about me," I'm going to offer up "seven things that Sparky knows about me but you don't."  And, as an added bonus, ONE of these is NOT TRUE.  See if you can guess which one.

1. I once dated a girl who we (quite appropriately) nicknamed Dig Dug.
2. My favorite and most-practiced karaoke song is "Rock Me Gently" by Andy Kim.  Watching me swing my hips to it is like watching a time-warp to a uniquely Canadian 1974.  It's Kimpressive.
3. I have seen, but not touched, one of Sparky's boobs.
4. I once confessed, "Sometimes, when I stop to think, I realize that there's nothing in my brain."
5. At the end of a very muddy and heavily intoxicated Jimmy Buffett concert, I sold the affections of one of Sparky's friends to a complete stranger for the price of a single wine cooler.
6. To furnish my first apartment in Minneapolis, I threw a "Bring Your Own Furniture Party."  OK, so my couch may have spent the previous three years in someone's garage, but it was cheaper than Crate & Barrel.
7. I am a life-long quest for the perfect nachos.  The title once rested with now-closed Smiling Moose Bar & Grill, but I rescinded the title when they "changed the chef."  I'm still looking.

I'm sure there are other, even more embarrassing things that Sparky could share about me, but she knows better than to share them as I have an equal (if not greater) amount of dirt on her.

If you're still trying to guess which one of the above is not true, check the comments.

Still Waiting For Her Period

Do you ever wonder how people who talk incessantly do it?  How it is they can continually be chatting about the most inane, pointless things, until their voice fades into background noise or you snap and crush their skulls with your bare hands?  How they can be so unaware of that I'm shoving an ice-pick into my ear to make the noise stop?

I wonder this often, for I seem to have sired one of those people.

Cheeky, god love her, is getting funnier every day.  Her nuggets of wisdom and insight are a constant source of amusement.  But they come at a cost.  A cost of persistence and repetition.

It would not be uncommon for the following sentence to come out of her mouth:

That's the blue piece that's the blue piece that's the blue piece it goes there like a puzzle thank you daddy for giving me the blue piece it goes there like a puzzle thank you daddy it's so beautiful it's so beautiful it's so beautiful that's the blue piece it goes there like a puzzle I'll show mommy I'll show mommy look mommy it's so beautiful that's the blue piece

Acknowledging or interrupting her only serves to change--not end--the conversation.  This morning, as I tried to end the above jumbo run-on sentence with, "I think breakfast is ready" I got the following

...the blue piece oh boy beakfast I love beakfast I love beakfast we're having eggys we're having eggys I love eggys I love eggys I love eggys mommy and daddy are having beakfast with me we're having beakfast together we're having beakfast together mommy and daddy and me mommy and daddy and me we're having eggys I love eggys thank you mommy for making eggys I love eggys where's my water

It's as if a wind-up toy with a perpetual motion device in it's jaw was using Cheeky's body as a vessel, because if you knew me and Oodgie you'd know we only open our mouths for yawns and sarcasm.

I've been wrestling with how this came to be for a few weeks, but it wasn't until I started trying to pick apart and transcribe Cheeky's dialog that it hit me.  And once it's written down it's quite obvious.

I'm a terrible parent.  I've spent so much time teaching her to talk and spell that I forgot how to teach her how to end a sentence!   She has no punctuation!

Either that or Oodgie had an affair with José Saramago.  Baby, you'd better fess up if there's something you need to tell me...

So now what?  They Might Be Giants don't have a DVD for "Here Come the ;, ?, !" 

But I've hit upon a solution.  We're obviously going to have to teach her all her punctuation at some point, but we might be driven to the brink if we can't make some progress fast.  So instead of starting off with the traditional commas and periods, I'm trying something radical.

I'm starting with parentheses.

If she says everything non-essential in parentheses, then we won't actually hear it. 

It just

might

work

As long as she doesn't say things like (daddy I hid your iPod in my crib) or (daddy I'm about to crap in your hand) I'm golden.

They Might Be Burrowing Into My Brain

In 1991, when I still had Mechanical Resonance and Long Cold Winter on heavy rotation in my CD player, a friend handed me a copy of Flood by They Might Be Giants.  I had heard of them, but to me they resided in some fringe world of music that only college radio hosts existed in, a world of pixies, sugarcubes, and dead milkmen.  I'm never one to turn down free music (obviously) but I figured it would soon end up as a trade-in so I could get credit towards the next Skid Row album.

Much to my surprise, I found it weirdly catchy. I thought all music was about babes and partying all night long, but their music was about birdhouses, Constantinople, minimum wage and some poor dude named Particle Man who keeps getting his ass kicked by Triangle Man.  I grew to like them, but I never quite shook the feeling that I was listening to music from a kegger at Lambda Lambda Lambda.

Fast forward 17 years.  I'm desperate to shoe-horn some quality music into my daughter's life...anything to counteract the mental decay that too much Dora & Diego brings about.  The traditional children's fare hasn't taken hold, and my attempts to educate Cheeky on the merits of Fugazi's 13 Songs or Supergrass' In It For the Money are constantly thwarted by Oodgie, who claims some ear-bleeding problem whenever I put them on. 

So I threw a life-line out to TMBG, and faster than you can say 1-2-3 they catch it.

At first I was delighted. There were songs starring ichthyosaurs, nonagons, and a triops.  I found myself singing about the number two and one dozen monkeys, and the still unemployed Oodgie took quite a liking to the seven days of the week.  This was stuff we could all dance to.

Until it became the only thing we were allowed to dance to.

Want Cheeky to finish her dinner?  Put on the 1-2-3's.  Want to get her to stop crying?  Put on the 1-2-3's.  Want her to exhale after she inhales?  Put on the 1-2-3's.  It's like crack, but without the pleasant side-effects.

So, much like live-action remakes of Dr. Seuss books, what was once fun and innocent is now a source of great pain. 

I believe it was Neil Pollack who noted that TMBG is the only band whose audience gets younger as they get older.  That may be true, but I still wince a bit with every repeated chorus, as I realize that both my tolerance and my own happy memories are being whittled away. 

Would I feel this way if we were listening to Led Zeppelin's children's album, or watching "The Nirvana Children's Special?"  Probably.  Let's hope Cheeky's old enough to appreciate the nuanced performance of Gang of Four or New Order--hell, even Vampire Weekend--before I get so desperate as to seek those out.