Cheeky's Hideaway

It's Like They Reached Into My Chest and Pulled Out My Heart

I'm done with basketball.  DONE I tell you!  Yesterday was going so well until 2.6 seconds before the end of the Gonzaga game, and you can probably guess what went through my mind.  The Super Bowl was bad enough...I didn't need this, too.  It's time to move on to more rewarding sports...

I'm getting bored with my ritual of masking my lack of creative energy by commenting on other people's interests, a.k.a Friday Yahooligans.  I just don't know if I can motivate to write about the things that show up on Yahoo's Buzz Meter. Why do people suddenly have so much interest in Chloe O'Brian, a shockingly hot ephebophile, and that ass-clown Simon Cowell?  What's wrong with America?  Isn't anyone else worried that people aren't doing searches on the AMT, the oceans on Saturn's moon, or the quality of education in this country? 

Meanwhile, all I've talked about this morning is the genius of Trey Park and Matt Stone, and the possibility that the greatest movie ever made might be coming out this summer.  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, eh?

Amateur Night Yahooligans

I wasn't sure I was going to do my Friday Yahooligans this week, what with March Madness and all, but as it turns out I've decided to watch from home instead of my usual position surrounded by hundreds of TV's at a local bar.  I even took the day off, but as I mentioned a couple days ago the prospect of going out on St. Patty's Day didn't agree with me.  I confirmed that in an utterly idiotic attempt to meet some friends on the Upper East Side, which any New Yorker can tell you is the last place on the planet you want to be today.  $6 for a glass of green Coors Light, having my eardrums ruptured by Bon Jovi, and being pushed into the wall by some heavily made-up girls falling off tables is not how I like to enjoy college basketball. 

The good news is I'm home, I've got my brand new MacBook Pro warming my lap, Albany is beating Connecticut by 7 (but for how long...), and I've got a great lead-off to this week's Yahooligans...

TRICIA HELFER

Tricia is the impossibly hot Number Six on Battlestar Galactica.  If you love television, you should be watching that show because it's the best thing on (if you read this blog enough, you're probably getting tired of me telling you that).  As George Costanza can tell you, there's something cool and unique about being named after a number.  For example:

• #9 is the best love potion
• I wouldn't mind being assimilated by Seven of Nine
• Who is the real Number Two?
• Three is a Magic Number
• The Great One - Number Four

So much for that Albany lead...they're heading home.  But way to go N.C. State!  What's next...

TAWNY KITAEN

Remember the chick from the Whitesnake video?  Looks like she's going to be on the Surreal Life, along with Sherman Helmsley and the guitarist for Poison .  My question:  why can't these people just retire with dignity?  Why must George Jefferson lower himself to the level of Alexis Arquette.  I thought he was movin' on up?  And what are we doing watching this?  For shame, America...for shame...

Did you see the Northwestern State buzzer-beater against Iowa?  INSANE!

AMY YASBECK

She's in the news because the wrongful death suit she filed after John Ritter went to the Regal Beagle in the sky a few years ago is being settled.  The lawsuit alleged that Ritter's illness was misdiagnosed (ya think?) and they're settling for $25 MM (or something like that...lots of "no comments" in the articles I was reading).  Mark my words, but someday society will look back at Three's Company and realize that John Ritter was a comic genius.  As for Amy, if the best thing on your resume is Wings, it might be time to revisit your career aspirations...

You know, I looked ahead at the next two items; one looks boring, and the other looks tragic.  Meanwhile Bradley is beating Kansas.  Sorry, guys...I've got to go.  Go Zags!

Rastafarian Yahooligans

First, thanks to everyone who offered kind word and best wishes for Michael's pending Iraqi tour.  Your support is greatly appreciated!!  We're all feeling a little better now that the initial "holy crap!" moment has passed, and since he's not shipping out until April I've still got time to give him some titty twisters and indian burns before he leaves.  Thanks to Mr. Big Dubya, I also have some appropriate names to tease him with--I particularly like "crunchy", and it doesn't mean the same thing in the army that it does in Berkeley.

Before I dive into this weeks Yahooligans, I have a request.  We're leaving for Jamaica tomorrow for five days of glorious relaxation (sans Cheeky...thanks, ECG!) so it will be quiet here at the Hideaway for a little while.  I was rummaging through my iPod putting together a playlist for the beach, and wanted some input on some appropriate sand and rum-punch tunes.  Do you have any suggestions?  I haven't added much, but so far I've got:

• Tons of Bob Marley (duh)
• The Harder They Come soundtrack
• Black Uhuru
• My entire Grateful Dead collection (including the Jerry Garcia Band)
• Jimmy Buffet
• Jack Johnson (including the new one)

As you can tell, I'm thinking a little mellow-bouncy would be good.  Anything else you'd suggest? 

Now, onto the Yahooligans:

HELEN FRANKENTHALER'S "THE BAY"

How would you like to be the father of the 12-year-old boy who, on a school trip to the Detroit Institute of Art, took a freshly chewed piece of Wrigley's Extra Polar Ice out of his mouth and stuck it on a $1.5 million painting?  In the article I read about it they referred to the act as "impulsive delinquency."  What do you call the act of spending $1.5 million dollars on something that looks like my daughter spilled Kool-Aid on it?  Why are stains on canvas considered art?  I'm surprised anyone noticed there was gum on it at all.  No offense to Helen Frankenthaler, but I'd understand her work a lot more if she learned to draw that cartoon turtle the newspaper...

SOPHIA BUSH

Sophia stars in a show I never watch, which I think is about kids doing things and hooking up and then doing more things etc etc etc.  ZZZzzzzzzzz  She want to annul her marriage to her co-star on the show, citing fraud.  Here's what comes to mind:

• What the hell does "fraud" mean?  Was he not who he said he was?  Did he tug the sipper on his back down to reveal a sheepdog underneath? 
• Annulment is "divorce" with prettier make-up on.  Can't we just call it what it is?
• The WB network is still on the air?
• Romance at the office never works, Sophia...I hope you've learned your lesson.

FAMILY WATCHDOG.US

Here's an idea I can get behind.  There's a web-site where you can look up registered sex offenders who live near you.  How miserable would your life be if you were branded with your crime everywhere you went?  That's a punishment that fits the crime!  What other things could we think up?  Could we make thieves walk around in clear, giant balls so they can't touch anything?  Or float arsonists out onto a wood raft in the ocean with a box of matches?  And the guy who cuts in front of me on the freeway has to spend the rest of his life riding a tricycle tied to the back of my car?  Someone needs to make me a king so I can enact this sort of stuff, as well as my "daily massage for the king...with release" law.

GARY GLITTER

Gary was jailed for three years in Vietnam for child abuse.  Do you think they played this during the sentencing?  (sorry guys...just too easy).

FIRST AMENDMENT

I couldn't believe this was #5 on the list when I first saw it.  Then I realized everyone must be feeling guilty because they can name more Simpsons characters than rights protected by the First Amendment.  Do people choo-choo-choose to be this ignorant?  Are they all drinking Flaming Moe's with Handsome Pete and Bleeding Gums Murphy?  Before I ever buy my daughter a Malibu Stacy doll I'll make sure she turns off Gabbo long enough to memorize those precious, inalienable rights:  freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom of....um....assembly, and....er...freedom of choice ....and....oh, I know!  Freedom 90. 

Have a great weekend, everybody!  I'll see your pale, pasty asses next week!

Friday Yahooligans!

Earlier this week there was a bombing in Samarra that, in my humble opinion, is the beginning of the end of any reasonable facsimile of peace in the Middle East.  I am completely convinced that that whole region is about to collapse into civil war, and drag the USofA down with it.  So when I pulled up my search list this morning for my second installment of Friday Yahooligans, I was mentally prepared to go off on Mess-o-potamia, assuming it would be at the top of the list.  I should know better.  The American people have better things to think about than that, god damn-it!  So, as much as I want to share my plans for Middle East peace, my anger at our involvement in the region, and my disenchantment with our collective apathy, I must submit to the will of the people.  Here's the buzz for this week:

SARAH KOLB

Holy crap, did you hear about this?  A teenager in Illinois murdered her classmate, tried to burn her body, then dismembered her.  WTF????  Did she let Pie-O-My die to collect the insurance money?  She was just arraigned, and the grisly details are just coming out, but...jesus!  I really feel awful for her parents, who sound like they are stunned and mortified by the whole thing.  I give the media another 24 hours before they start smearing them as bad parents.  There's really nothing good to say about this, so I'm going to move on to...

CLIVE OWEN, HUGH JACKMAN, and DANIEL CRAIG

This is Crazy Virgo's wet dream.  These guys are numbers 2, 4, and 5 on the list this week, all regarding the same thing.  Angry fans who do not want Daniel Craig to be the new James Bond have published a website called CraigNotBond calling for a boycott of the next Bond film.  They are saying that the producers unfairly fired Remington Steele, and were unwilling to pay for higher-priced actors like Owen and Jackman.  I do think Herr Brosnan got screwed, and also I think he got screwed when Timothy Dalton originally got the role.  I also think Croupier and Wolverine would be awesome.  But what's wrong with Daniel Craig?  So he's blond...big deal!  Is it because he's not a superstar?  Look, I think Sean Connery's biggest role before becoming James Bond was in Darby O'Gill and the Little People.  Maybe these guys should just have a martini (shaken, not stirred) and chill out...let the guy prove himself!  It's not like they're bringing George Lazenby out of retirement...

POWERBALL WINNERS

It sure would be nice if people searched on this and my name popped up.  Unfortunately, I think of the lottery as a "stupidity tax" (no offense, Mom) and don't see the value of flushing money down the toilet.  If I were a meat-packer in Nebraska--surrounded by cleavers, meat-saws, and piles of unprocessed animal carcasses--I might think differently.  You can't win if you don't enter, and if someone's gotta win $365 million dollars (besides me) then I'm glad it's these guys...they deserved it a lot more than other people.