Cheeky's Hideaway

You Can't Spell 'Diet' Without D-I-E

Not long after our triumphant return from Antigua Oodgie and I decided the bulbous, squishy parts of our bodies have to go.  Months of feasting, carousing, and general abuse of our bodies have finally caught up with us--although you could argue that they caught up to us in our late 20s and we've been ignoring it since.  Our weapon of choice?  The South Beach diet.

For the eight of you not familiar with this diet, it in no way whatsoever resembles the actual South Beach.  The implied decadence of the name is immediately countered by the word "diet" after it, which means that no matter how easy the diet may be you'll still feel like a POW two hours into it.

We're freakin' starving!

I have noticed a few bad habits I'd picked up over the years as a result of this suicidal challenging decision.  Apparently my brain is hard-wired to grab a bag of chips 20 seconds after I walk in the door, and the battered chicken fingers which make up 63% of Cheeky's diet look more and more succulent every day.  I've been trusting my young, fit body to absorb my indiscretions, forgetting that neither adjective applies to me anymore.  Now I'm picking the croutons out of my Caesar salad (oh, the irony of it all...)

Far and away the most traumatic change, though, is the strict prohibition of beer.  We all know that it sometimes occasionally has been known to in some people to possibly maybe contribute to weight gain.  OK, I get it.  But seriously....none whatsoever?  The timing of this could not be worse.  The biggest national holiday of the year and they expect me to sip mineral water?  I 100% guarantee that there's a loophole somewhere that I can exploit!

...as long as I'm OK with the consequences.

Any one else have any diet war stories they'd like to share?

Catching Up on All the Boredom I've Missed

Hey guys.  How's my tan?

Don't answer that.  "Tan" for me might be more accurately described as "parchment" or "Bavarian cream" color.  But I'll take what I can get, at least as long as my skin no longer blinds passing birds.

What a trip!  We had a spectacular time, living the high-life in a villa 30 yards from the beach, with stellar sunsets every night and (most importantly) ample access to babysitting and beer.  Half the fun was having a living space twice the size of our apartment ("Look! Stairs!") and the view from the deck was pretty nice, too.  For an island that didn't even get a mention in Kokomo it sure seems like to good life to me.

It started off a little rocky.  We were dismayed when Day One was a 12 hour negotiation with Cheeky, who was apparently afraid of both sand AND water--a somewhat limiting prospect with six days left on a tropical island.  By the end of the trip, though, she was "swimming" (visualize a life-jacket with two eyes and a mop of hair peaking above the rim and you'll get the idea) and had amassed a sizable coconut collection.  She was pretty much a rock star for an entire week, with the exception of one day involving a urinary tract, a trip to visit "Dr. Babu," and a crowd of shoppers staring at the child grabbing her crotch and screaming like she was being eviscerated. 

What's a vacation without a little drama, right?

Overall, though, the whole experience exceeded expectations.  I went diving, played some tennis, pigged out like Dom Deluise at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and learned some quaint British phrases from other guests.  My personal favorites were "lilo" (an inflatable floating mattress) and "being a toad," which I'll be using to describe Cheeky the next time she denies my authority and declares that "hitting is nice!"

Unfortunately, we came back.

Which sucks. 

It's cold. 

It's boring. 

It's stupid.

I feel like I've just started rehab, and my body still hasn't accepted the fact that warm breezes and daiquiris aren't our god-given right.  Everyday I walk outside I feel like Lawrence Tynes stepping onto Lambeau Field, and it's not even the fourth quarter yet.  (That goes out to all the Giants fans out there)

I'm sure I'll get zero sympathy, but post-vacation withdrawal is a bitch.

So if anyone knows of any web agencies looking for strategy consultants based in the Caribbean or other tropical climes let me know.  Relocation will not be a problem for us. 

Cheeky would be very excited.

Antigua Road Show

The entire Crouton clan is embarking on a grand adventure this week.  For the first time we're all going away on a vacation...TOGETHER.

This is going to be a terrifying learning experience for Oodgie and I.  Once a year we try to go away somewhere and break the monotony of winter.  Although I tend to prefer destinations with plenty of things to do, Oodgie has slowly convinced me that lying on the beach doing nothing has its advantages.  Which is why we're flying out Thursday morning for a week in Antigua.

This is all well and good, but I've got a sinking feeling that this will NOT be like previous vacations.  First of all, it's a "family" resort, which means we aren't the only ones bringing someone who only speaks at one volume.  As much as I love pushing kids into pools, hotel security will probably not appreciate the humor of it like I would.  Furthermore, Cheeky will probably be so excited by the sand, jellyfish, beach scorpions, and other indigenous life that she probably won't nap--or sleep--at all.  I can imagine Oodgie and I three days in, bags under our eyes that could carry a dozen potatoes, arrested for vagrancy as we stumble about the resort in dazed confusion.  My one consolation is that we are at least not dealing with the life-sized monsters staffed at other resorts, thus vastly reducing the likelihood of chaos when a 6-foot Elmo walks up and shatters the image of toddlers with his muffled rum-soaked voice.  I like my puppets safely contained in our television, thank you very much.

In truth, this quiet dread has been slowly replaced by exuberant anticipation of the change of scenery and all-inclusive girly-drinks.  ECG is joining us, so there's an outside shot at some low-cost babysitting, and I'm packing my scuba gear in case I REALLY need to get away.  And the satisfaction of telling my colleagues, "I'm sorry I can't make that meeting, because I'LL BE IN ANTIGUA!" leave a delightfully sweet taste in my mouth.

So you won't be hearing much from us for a while ("what else is new?" chant my long-time readers) but I'm sure the warm tropical breezes and lush, peaceful vistas will keep you distracted. 

Oh no wait...that's ME!  HA!  Enjoy your winter doldrums, everyone...our tan butts will catch up with you soon!

Dan Haggerty called...he wants his face back

The week between Christmas and New Years is a dead zone on the calendar.  My office, normally a reasonable (if unpleasant) subway ride away suddenly seemed like it was atop the Cliffs of Insanity.  As a result I opted to spend the week "working from home," knowing that "work" would indeed be involved but hoping that it would be light enough that "home" would be the dominant force.  Who knows when I'd next be able to spend 10 days with the family, negotiating the location of letters in Cheeky's alphabet puzzle and keeping an eye on my e-mails from the comfort of my unwashed sweatpants?

To celebrate, I let myself go a little more than usual, manifested most clearly in the shag carpet growing on my face.  I hadn't let my inner Rasputin out since I sported a goatee during the early dot com days.  My friend Sparky mercilessly called me "Vagina Face" that year, and I eventually discarded the look in favor of the roguish, clean-shaven look I've had ever since. 

With a face as pretty as mine, why cover it?

Still, dragging a razor blade across my skin seemed like a lot of work last week, so I let my 5 o'clock shadow turn from Don Johnson into Clint Eastwood, and eventually into something a little wilder.  Letterman and Conan, no doubt inspired by me, did the same, and we were all faced (no pun intended) with returning to work this week, our Viking-like manhood on full display.

But there was the itching.  JESUS did that thing itch.

My stubby fingernails were no match for the constant irritation in Stubbleville.   For something evolution saw fit to leave intact, facial hair has an uncanny ability to drive this mammal crazy!  I don't care how warm my face pelt would keep me in the cold winter weeks...if I needed to rub a fork or steel wool on my chin for comfort it wasn't worth it.

So yesterday morning I soaped up, pulled out the big guns, and prepared to mark the rings in my hairs,  from puberty to recent forest fires.  My cheeks practically cheered with joy as the rush of fresh air hit them, and as my mischievous smile and powerful jaw emerged from the roughage I realized that for every Magnum or Che that can make a face rug sexy, there's a Morrison or Chef who remind you that it's not for everyone.

From now on I'm keeping my hair on my back, where it belongs.

2007 Year-End Mix Tape

It was a great, great, great year for music.  My ravenous appetite for new tunes was matched only by the spectacular generosity of those fine pirates individuals who shared their music online and allowed little ol' me to "try it out."  On top of it all, so much of said music was freakin' awesome that I find myself faced with making my annual year-end mix-tape without being able to fit it all on one "tape."  (Ha!  Remember those?)

I could go on about a few bands, like Spoon, LCD Soundsystem, Superfamily, Kings of Leon, The National, Panda Bear, Tegan & Sara, and Dinosaur Jr., but I'm far better at plagiarizing album reviews that writing them.  Besides, music is to be listened to, not read about.  It's not like our ancestors gathered around the fire after a big hunt and danced to somebody's description of how good the latest didjeridu album was, right? 

So what's a fella to do?  Well, thumb my nose at the RIAA and pass along a little musical goodness to you in not one but TWO installments.  This year's mix tape, comprising many (although hardly all) of my favorite tunes from 2007 can be downloaded here (for part 1) and here (for part 2). 

• "None Shall Pass" - Aesop Rock - None Shall Pass
• "Imitosis" - Andrew Bird - Armchair Apocrypha
• "Same Old Drag" - The Apples in Stereo - New Magnetic Wonder
• "Atlas" - Battles - Mirrored
• "Click, Click, Click, Click" - Bishop Allen - The Broken String
• "First Fantasy" - Citay - Little Kingdom
• "Almost Ready" - Dinosaur Jr. - Beyond
• "Hard Sun" - Eddie Vedder - Into the Wild
• "One Two Three Four" - Feist - The Reminder
• "Into Your Dream" - Foreign Born - On the Wing Now
• "Dictionary" - The Go Find - Stars on the Wall
• "Boy with a Coin" - Iron & Wine - The Shepherd's Dog
• "A Postcard To Nina" - Jens Lekman - Night Falls Over Kortedala
• "Teardrop" - José González - In Our Nature
• "Right Moves" - Josh Ritter - The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter
• "Say Goodbye To Love" - Kenna - Make Sure They See My Face
• "Time To Get Away" - LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver
• "Black Skin Blue Eyed Boys" - Map of Africa - Map of Africa
• "Tombstone" - Midnight Juggernauts - Dystopia
• "The Bomb" - New Young Pony Club - Fantastic Playroom
• "Gronlandic Edit" - Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?
• "Unless It's Kicks" - Okkervil River - The Stage Names
• "Comfy in Nautica" - Panda Bear - Person Pitch
• "Heavenly Day" - Patty Griffin - Children Running Through
• "15 Step" - Radiohead - In Rainbows
• "Under The Blacklight" - Rilo Kiley - Under the Blacklight
• "Lover In The Snow" - Rivers Cuomo - Alone: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo
• "You Know Me Better" - Róisín Murphy - Overpowered
• "My Punishment For Fighting" - The Rosebuds - Night of the Furies
• "Halloweenhead" - Ryan Adams - Easy Tiger
• "Normandie" - Shout Out Louds - Our Ill Wills
• "Rhythm & Soul" - Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
• "I Could be a Real Winner" - Superfamily - Warszawa
• "Back in Your Head" - Tegan and Sara - The Con
• "Kid on My Shoulders" - White Rabbits - Fort Nightly
• "Rag & Bone" - The White Stripes - Icky Thump
• "Either Way" - Wilco - Sky Blue Sky

This certainly isn't an all-inclusive list of the best tunes of the year, but it's a nice sampling of some of my favorites.  Again, you can download part 1 here and part 2 here.  I hope you enjoy it!

Is there anything I missed?  Anyone want to suggest any gems that may have slipped through the cracks before I start looking forward to the new Cat Power and Sons & Daughters?