Cheeky's Hideaway

Croutonboy's 2007 Year-End Awards

New Year's Day is a weird holiday.  It has no religious or historical context.  There aren't any unique celebrations; it shares it's traditions with it's more pugilistic cousin, St. Patrick's Day.  If it weren't for the cringe-inducing appearance of Dick Clark at Time's Square we'd probably have no shared memory of the event.  It's a federal holiday by coincidence, based solely on it's lucky spot on the calendar.

But what a spot, eh?  Right at the cusp between one solar year and another (however subjective that demarcation is) and at the tail of a flurry of family celebrations which provide an excellent base to soak up the alcohol consumed.  It provides an excellent opportunity to look forward to the year ahead, and to reflect on the year that's coming to a close.

Which is a long and fancy way of saying it's time for the CroutonBoy's 2007 Year-End Awards!  The envelope please...

The Honoré de Balzac Award for Most Satisfying End to a Massive Read

J.K. Rowling, who somehow managed to make 8 years and 4,195 pages completely worth it

The Wes Welker Award for Best Supporting Addition to an Already Successful Team

J.B. Smoove (NSFW) on Curb Your Enthusiasm

The Phil Spector Award for Being Scarier than His Haircut

Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men

The Lisa Fischer/Patti Labelle Award for Albums So Good They're Both "Album of the Year"

Spoon's Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga and LCD Soundsystem's Sound of Silver

The Sir Chaloner Ogle Award for the Biggest Blow to my Music Collection

The death of Oink

The Hannibal Lecter Award for Most Disturbing Quote of the Year

"I have a very wide stance."

The Anna Nicole Smith Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Rapid Descent of a Celebrity Family into "Train-Wreck" Status

Congratulations, Spears Family!

The Dane Cook "STFU and Go Away" Award

Rosie O'Donnell, again

The Hindenberg "Crash of the Year" Award

M-E-T-S, METS, METS, METS

The Steve Jobs Annual "Product of the Year" Award

BottomsUp!  The Fantastic Elastic for Stay-Put Pants!

The D.B. Cooper Award for Most Mysterious Disappearance

Our babysitter/cleaning lady/practically member of the family, Ilot, who we've only managed to confirm as "not dead"

The John Carpenter "Moment of Terror" Award

Oodgie, Cheeky, and the Pit of Despair

The "To Spend Time With My Kids" Award for Fakest Excuse

"Work's been very busy," used to avoid blogging in favor of Excalibur and Xbox 360, and to avoid my family in favor of "The Project"

The Charles Barkley Award for Best Player Not to Win the Big One

Me.  For the first time in a decade I didn't win or place in at least one of my fantasy football leagues.  I actually missed the playoffs in ALL of them, including the Blogpound.  (Congrats, Marginally Clever...next year, you bastard).  Inexplicable.

I hope you all have a safe and happy new year!  Here's hoping the next 12 months have fewer explosions, less Rihanna, and more ice cream for everyone!

For previous year-end awards, see 2006 and 2005

Sparing You My Grinchiness

You don't know how lucky you are.

This is normally the time of year when I turn into Scrooge and start dissecting everything that drives me crazy about the holidays.  I started a handful of blogs about the agony of Christmas shopping and the presents for Cheeky multiplying like tribbles under our tree.  I had a petulant rant about holiday parties worked up, and another one on ubiquitous "very special" episodes of TV shows designed to deliver "a message" or "the true meaning of Christmas," usually involving a special appearance by a homeless character or Santa (occasionally embodied in the same person). 

But the absurd schedule I've been keeping since Thanksgiving (also the topic of an unpublished blog fragment) has meant less talk, more rock.  But now the presents are bought, inane holiday specials have been missed, and I'm "working from home" for the next week.  The part of the holiday I LIKE is upon us.   And not a minute too soon.

So what are we doing?  We're hanging low.  A little nog, a little family, a lot of torn wrapping paper (I had to put an electric fence around the tree to keep Cheeky from diving in early) and enough cookies and fudge to choke Augustus Gloop, that's what we're expecting.  The stockings are hung by the chimney with care, with hopes that Rock Band soon will be there.  We've already caught a couple movies, and are hoping to catch more, although we may settle for the 24-hour Christmas Story marathon instead.

(It's probably a good thing we're hanging low.  Cheeky spewed so much half-digested cheeseburger and ice cream on Oodgie outside the Manhattan Children's Museum today she had to be run through the Wonka Wash.)

Anyway, we wish you and all your families the very happiest of holidays.   Best wishes from Cheeky, Oodgie, and CroutonBoy!

Answers, Answers, We Got Answers!

I would remiss in not wishing a belated Happy Birthday to Oodgie, who turned thirt....ack.....ack.....can't.....breathe....*cough cough*

OK, she turned older on Friday.  We went to Fuerzabruta to celebrate (German for "People on pulleys are COMING TO KILL YOU") and had an evening of adult conversation, a rarity at Casa de Cheeky.  Cheeky got her flowers, which are strangely adorned with kumquats (note to self:  the next time you tell the florist to use "whatever is seasonal and pretty" be more specific) and I promised her she could leave the house for two days without Cheeky for a battery recharge.  It's the best I could come up with...she's harder to buy for than Gandhi.

On to matters of greater import...

One of the disadvantages of asking my audience for posting advice is that they are such a rare, exotic breed as to be classified as an endangered species.  I did, however, get a few requests, and I supplemented then from other sources, so rather than lament my fantasy football season or my work schedule let me offer instead these answers to your probing questions:

What is the most embarrassing concert you ever attended?  -- Sarah

Embarrassing?  I don't make it to concerts often enough to consider any of them truly "embarrassing."  However, the summer the Monsters of Rock came through town I asked my parents to go.  They said no, but they did take me to see Harry Belafonte as a birthday gift.  Same thing, right?

Briefs, boxers, commando or thong? -- Whit

None of the above.  I prefer something more cozy.

Why is the sky blue?  -- local 12 year old

Because if it were green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing

What is your favorite Beatles song and why?  -- Landismom

Holy cow...how do you pick?  I've always liked "Blackbird" and "Eleanor Rigby," and "The Inner Light" is totally underappreciated.  If I had to pick one it would be "Norwegian Wood," but I could rattle off 20 others that on any given week could knock it out of its perch.  Talk to me again next week.

Why do you want to work at our company? -- Prospective employer

Well, sir, I've done a lot of research, and I'm impressed with the innovative work your company is doing, and how it's positioning itself as an agent of growth in the industry.  Furthermore, I like what the company stands for, and how it constantly strives to be an advocate for its customers.  I certainly believe that my background and skills can enhance what your organization is trying to accomplish, but it's just as important to me that I believe in what I'm doing, and being a part of your organization looks like an ideal place to meet that need.

Sushi or kosher deli? -- Arwen

Whichever is closest when I'm hungry.   Laziness determines 98% of my choices in life.

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? -- Bridgekeeper

Do you mean an African or European swallow?

What's the best/worst smells of parenthood?  -- Keersten

Ugh, tough one.  The "odorless" Diaper Genie we had for a while made Cheeky's room smell like a monkey cage, but I think the winner is the B.O. of our new babysitter, who hasn't bathed since her 6th birthday.  As far as the best smell, that's the suddenly resurgent scent of mac 'n' cheese in our home, a splendiforous delight absent in my home since junior year.  (FYI, I guarantee that anything that ends with "'n' cheese" is gonna smell good)

How would you compare the process by which the Spanish Empire was built between 1450 and 1800 with that of the empire-building process of the Ottoman empire?  -- Mr. Mizoguchi, my AP History Professor

The Spanish Empire was at the forefront of global exploration in the 15th and 16th centuries.  It's conquests of the newly discovered territories of the Western Hemisphere (legitimized by Papal ascent via the Treaty of Tordesillas) and the plundered gold of the conquered Native American civilizations there funded the development of an experienced navy.  Meanwhile their fiercely political marriage policies established dynastic ties over the Holy Roman Empire, the Low Countries, and much of the Mediterranean.  The Ottoman Empire, by contrast employed an aggressive policy of using padded, upholstered seating to woo trading partners and to defeat enemies in southeast Europe and Persia.  With their enemies significantly reclined, they were able establish a lasting dominance in the Near East for many centuries.

I'm sure Cheeky's looking forward to me helping with her homework someday.  Got any more questions?  Send them my way! 

Happy Hanukkah!

I'm not one of the Chosen People (my people used to print money with the Pope on it) but due to a quirk of Halakha my daughter is.  So I would be remiss in not wishing her, Oodgie, and rest of my Semitic friends eight crazy, joyous nights of candles and gelt.