Cheeky's Hideaway

CroutonBoy's 2006 Mix Tape

One of my favorite parts of this time of year is the way everybody from the New York Times to Cat Fancy Magazine publishes their "year in review" or "top ten" lists.  It's a great way to catch up on stuff you missed, as well as to see how pretentious the reviewers are (hint: you can tell by whether Joanna Newsom makes their list.)

Unless you missed this summer's greatest album death-march you already know that I'm a little obsessed with music.  This year, however, thanks to the tingly magic illegal piracy of music downloading and the shuffle feature on my iPod I'm declaring the album an officially dead medium.  I can't even remember the last time I listened to one from beginning to end, and the effort of rising off the couch to change a CD?  No thanks...I've got to save that energy to scratch myself.

So how do you have a year-in-music blog without listing the best albums?  Well, first you call James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich, laugh and jeer into the receiver, then hang up.  Then you lament that music just isn't as good as it used to be, and complain that the best album of the year didn't even contain music from this decade.  Then you do what Rob Gordon would do:  you make a mix-tape.

So here's my mix-tape for the end of the year, with 20 songs that I was digging these last twelve months in no particular order.

• Lily Allen - LDN - from Alright, Still
  
• Regina Spektor - On the Radio - from Begin to Hope
  
• Golfrapp - Fly Me Away - from Supernature
• Wolfmother - Dimension - from Wolfmother
• Hot Chip - Over and Over - from The Warning
• Pearl Jam - World Wide Suicide - from Pearl Jam
  
• Jamie Lidell - Multiply - from Multiply
  
• Guster - Manifest Destiny - from Ganging Up on the Sun
• Maritime - Parade of Punk Rock T-Shirts - from We, the Vehicles
• Gnarls Barkley - Crazy - from St. Elsewhere
• The Sounds - Tony the Beat - from Dying to Say This to You
• The Rapture - Get Myself Into It - from Pieces of the People We Love
• My Morning Jacket -  Mahgeetah (live) - from Okonokos
• M. Ward - Chinese Translation - from Post-War
• The Killers - Read My Mind - from Sam's Town
• Kelley Stoltz - Birdies Singing - from Below the Branches
• The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy - from Boys and Girls in America
• The Black Keys - Keep Your Hands Off Her - from Chulahoma
• The Automatic - Monster - from Not Accepted Anywhere
• "Weird Al" Yankovic - You're Pitiful - from Weird Al's website (scroll down)

The CroutonBoy 2006 Year-End Awards are coming up soon.  In the mean time, have a happy (and safe) New Year!

Things I Learned Over Christmas Weekend

On Packaging

The people who design toy-packaging must have double-majored in enigmatology and anger-response mechanisms.  You'd think the wire, glue and cryptex were enough to foil the average parent, but to layer it all beneath cardboard as thick as the earth's crust just isn't fair.  They must hate us.  I've got better things to do on Christmas morning than this.

On Hygiene

Chopping and mincing jalapeno peppers by hand

+ casual and incomplete hand-washing

+ removing contact lenses from eyes

= OH MY FREAKIN' GOD IT HURTS!!!!!

On Music: Holiday

Vince Guaraldi vs. George Fridirick Handel vs. Perry Como: let the smackdown begin!  Who shall become the Ultimate Christmas Champion!  (Text 666 plus the number of the artist on your Cingular phones to vote!  Or just leave a comment)  Sorry Sufjan fans...this contest is for contenders only.

On Music: Funky

He may not have been the most lucid man in the world, but James Brown knew how to bring the funk.  I saw him at Summerfest a few years ago, and despite being older than dirt he was still doing all the moves.  And his band was as tight as his pants...awesome.  RIP, Godfather.

On Charity

There's a guy who basically lives inside the entrance to our subway station.  We see him every single day smoking a cigarette, muttering to himself, and wearing a Gilligan hat.  We've lived in New York long enough to tune out pretty much anything, but he's such a fixture in the neighborhood--like the Promenade and the Jehovah's Witnesses--that he's become a symbol of the loneliness of being homeless and crazy in the biggest, most prosperous city in America. 

Oodgie had cooked up a delicious pork loin and butternut squash with latin spices on Christmas Eve (the source of the aforementioned jalapenos), and we had ECG over for dinner, drinks and general merriment.  At the end of the night there were left-overs and we decided that Crazy Subway Guy deserved them more than we did.  So we made up a little plate of food, wrapped in tinfoil, tossed in a knife and fork and asked ECG to give it to him on her way home.  Sure enough he was there, sitting in the subway entrance, and was so surprised and delighted to have a full Christmas dinner that night he immediately spread everything out on his lap and dug in.

We don't often do nice things for other people, despite decades of lip-service and judgemental comments about those more fortunate than us.  There's always that little feeling nibbling on the left ventricle of your heart reminding you that you can and should do more for those less fortunate, and ignoring it or making excuses are lazy and cowardly ways to avoid thinking about it.  Our Christmas gesture in no way absolves us of our duty to the suffering around us, but it sure did feel nice to know we made their life a little less lonely and hungry, if only for a few minutes.

Happy Holidays from All of Us to All of You!

A Peek at Christmas Through the Lights of the Menorah

After much pleading and nagging, I've convinced the infinitely-more-talented-than-me Oodgie to once again grace us with a post. Moved by the holiday spirit, she's agreed to share her Jewspective on this time of year.  Enjoy...

Like any good Jew, I grew up coveting everything about Christmas. Way back then, of course, Hanukah wasn't even remotely what it's become today  as we sorely lacked the shameless paganism which seems to have overtaken Christmas. Not, of course, to belittle the religious meaning behind the holiday, but since when did the mania start right after Halloween?

I wanted to celebrate Christmas so badly when I was kid that I actually went out and bought ornaments and hung them on the family ficus. My father, horrified by this gesture, quickly denuded the tree and delivered a terse explanation of why we don't do that sort of thing. With a heavy sigh, another lame holiday season went by.

Sure, sure, Hanukah (which no one really knows how to spell...Channuka? Chanukah? Hanukka?) IS a holiday and we DO get presents but come on, a dreidel? Really? And latkes with applesauce? And imitation chocolate that looks like money (and I'm sure that doesn't fuel any sterotypes)? It just isn't the same.

In college, my Christmas Envy took a turn towards bitter disdain when faced with a Jewish roommate whose family - both Jewish parents, mind you - fully celebrated Christmas. I'm not saying they put out a nativity scene or baked cookies and fought about who ate the baby Jesus, but they got a tree and exchanged a ton of gifts and that was enough to send me into a tirade on how wrong it was for them to do that. I even pretended I was motivated my an inflated sense of religious loyalty.

As I sailed into adulthood (or gave up the fight and stopped clinging to my youth) I continued to lust after pine and hams and lights and fat men dressed in red and basically All Things Christmas. While I believe I was open to the idea of marrying a fellow Member of the Tribe, well, I just never even dated one. Enter CroutonSpouse.

I like to think my choice in a mate wasn't clouded by my sordid, envious, Christmas-coveting past, but hey, who knows? These days, I'm the one who picks out ornaments when we travel somewhere (and we've got some doozies, we claim, for comedic relief). I'm the one who wakes up every weekend after Thanksgiving saying, "today? tree?" and who scrambles to prepare a holiday meal for a gathering that features 4 out of 5 Jews (apparently, since I'm Jewish, Israel says so is Cheeky and that's that). I keep telling myself (and my guilt-inducing relatives) that we'll celebrate Hanukah (Channuka? Chanukkah?) once Cheeky is old enough to understand the meaning of the holidays and also grasp the fact that what's inside, not the box itself, is the present. But I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Until then, a have a holly jolly Christamakakwanza!

PS - ...and a big HA HA HA to my college roommate, who, since marrying a more religious spouse, is no longer permitted to observe Christmas. Look who's caroling now....

Happy Life Day!

Oodgie is going out tonight for overpriced seafood with a friend of hers, leaving me and Cheeky to ponder the creative possibilities of Duplo.  But once I scrub the crayon and dried blood off her arms and drop her into her crib, I'm forgoing the usual Xbox marathon and popping in a holiday classic:  the Star Wars Holiday Special.

After writing an homage to it last year, I decided I NEEDED a copy for myself, and thanks to the magic of eBay that's exactly what I have.  I've already watched Hardware Wars and the Donny & Marie Star Wars episode (also included), but I've been saving the pièce de résistance for the holiday season.  It's been sitting on top of our DVD player since last January waiting for just the right moment, and that time is tonight.

I had hoped to share it with other retro-junkies like myself, but they all have stupid commitments to families and loved ones.  Losers.  Oodgie likes cheesy 70s commercials and Harvey Korman as much as the next person, but even she may not be able to stomach a full-hour of wookies preparing dinner.  But since I must share this experience somehow, I'm proud to present the third in my series of holiday videos:  the climactic Life Day song, as performed by Princess Leia. 

I know you'll all be humming this tomorrow, and for that you'll hate thank me.  Enjoy, and wish me luck tonight....

Wie treu sind deine Blätter

I laced up my tree-gettin' boots Sunday morning and hoofed it down to Montague Street to get a Christmas tree.  Last year's tree was a little weird looking, and we promised ourselves not to get lazy about finding a good one this time. 

It's a slow walk anywhere with Cheeky nowadays.  She keeps stopping to say "hi" to her reflection in shop windows, and has now started marking every parked car we pass.  But she was in a really good mood, and once we got there we spotted a nice-looking tree right away.  I asked lots of probing questions ("Is this a blue spruce or a Douglas fir?  Do the branches tend to drop more overnight?") even though the answers meant absolutely nothing to me.  If I'm going to spend $70 on a plant that will be completely dead in two weeks, I want to know if it's got progressive scan and HDMI outputs, dammit.

I'm used to trudging through a foot of snow, uphill both ways, bundled up like a sumo-wrestler on Everest, to get a Christmas tree.  This year I was debating whether to bring my jacket or not.  What's up with that?  I expected to see Al Gore handing out fliers on the corner.  There's something just wrong about buying a tree when it's 60 degrees out.  I feel like I should be hanging a tire-swing on it instead...

A bunch of presents arrived from Spokane yesterday (in, I shit you not, the box from our old Commodore 64....my parents throw nothing away) so we've got loot to put under it.  Tonight's activity, therefore, was to decorate it.  Oodgie and her frankenfoot hobbled around the tree carefully selecting the least fragile object to hang from the bottom branches, while I hung various balls, angels, and Sith Lords from the top.  We're already burned out on Christmas music, so we listened to the festive sounds of Monday Night Football (sorry, Queen of Spain.  You're going down, Matthew) while rubbing the tree-sap off our hands like Lady Macbeth with OCD. 

It's not quite done (we left some ornaments locked in Cheeky's room, and it takes a braver man than me than to walk in there once she's asleep) but I think it's turned out OK so far...

So, by when do we need to mail Christmas cards?  We've still got time, right?

P.S.  Do to the popularity of the Billy Squier Christmas video, I've added another gem from YouTube to spice up your egg nog.  Nothing says Christmas quite like inter-generational awkwardness.

And With One Keystroke My Christmas Shopping is (Mostly) Complete

There's a lot of things I'm behind on this holidays season (decorating, blog-reading, laundry) but fortunately Christmas shopping isn't one of them.  With the exception of my brother Michael (whose body-armor is on back-order) everyone's presents are in the mail, thanks to the magic that is Amazon's free shipping policy.

I could have gone the easy route and bought gift cards for people, but that's not the way my family operates.  We have a long-standing tradition of harassing each other for our respective Christmas lists, which we proceed to ignore so we can buy things that the person would never want, thus forcing them to thank us with faux enthusiasm for an item which will be on eBay by Dec. 26.

Back in medieval times, when I had to go to the mall to shop, I'd come home with a stack of boxes, lay-out the newspaper on an uneven surface (probably wet from the winter boots I'd just kicked off) and use up an entire roll of tape to keep the gifts from bursting out of their package.  Then I'd stick an entire book of stamps in the upper-right corner or take a day off to stand in line at the post office so everyone could get their gifts on time, completely oblivious to the fact I'd forgotten to buy, write, and mail Christmas cards.  In other words, it sucked.

Not this year, baby.  Everything is in transit, and there's still 10 days to go before Christmas (that's what got those lords-a-leaping).  I'm not saying people are getting what they wanted, but they aren't getting crap either.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put the lights up...

P.S. While researching this entry, I came across a holiday gem from my youth, included below.  Enjoy, and don't be afraid to sing-along (assuming you can sing that badly)

The Boot

I tease Oodgie about her many illnesses and maladies.  She has enough injuries, incurable diseases, and unexplained ailments--which spontaneously disappear and reappear at inopportune times for medical diagnosis--to put a doctor's kids through college.  It's good-natured teasing, and we openly joke about what the next major accident may be.

While I was in L.A. earlier this week for a last minute business trip, I got a triumphant call from Oodgie.  She had just come from her 17th consecutive podiatrist appointment with exciting news...she has a torn peroneus longus!

(I have a very good fwend in Wome name Pewoneus Longus!)

The call itself was filled with fist-pumping vindication ("Yes!  I TOLD you my feet hurt!") but there was also a perceptible hysteria.  The doctor had some pretty clear opinions on how much walking she should do, and threatened dire consequences if she didn't cut way back.

Not so easy for a stay-at-home mom, especially with Cheeky's energy level. 

The doctor gave her a boot that she needs to wear all the time, and suggested she buy a cane.  We're both a little stunned at how suddenly it went from "I can't seem to find anything wrong" to "If you don't lie down on the ground and stay there for a month we'll need to amputate."  She's been walking all over the place for weeks, and is having a hard time justifying the suddenly harsh treatment.  It's a good thing we found out after her birthday celebration.

She was quick to point out that she'd been walking around for weeks with this, and couldn't understand why she had to stop. "If you don't know you you're pregnant and you have a drink they don't make a big deal out of it," she suggested.

"But once you know you have to stop, right?"

"Good point."

So for the next 4-6 weeks, poor Oodgie will be hobbling around like she forgot to take one of her shoes out of its box.  As a long-time sufferer of multiple afflictions, however, she has a solution:  ask around until she finds a diagnosis she likes better. 

Are there any amateur physicians out there willing to offer a second opinion?  I guarantee that any treatments which restore mobility and promise instant results will be readily adopted.

Happy Birthday Oodgie!

Today is Oodgie's birthday, and to celebrate I did a little research.  Did you know:

Her date of conception was on or about 16 March 1969 which was a Sunday.

She was born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Sagittarius. 

The Julian calendar date of her birth is  2440562.5.

She was born in the Chinese year of the Rooster.

Her Native American zodiac sign is Owl; her plant is Mistletoe.
 
She was born in the Egyptian month of Menchir, the second month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).
 
Her date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 27 Kislev 5730.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 28 Kislev 5730.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of her birthday is 12.17.16.5.18 which is
12 baktun 17 katun 16 tun 5 uinal 18 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of her birth is Sunday, 27 Ramadan 1389 (1389-9-27).

Celebrities who share her birthday:

Aaron Carter (1987)	Tino Martinez (1967)	C. Thomas Howell (1966)
Edd Hall (1958)	Larry Bird (1956)	Tom Waits (1949)
Johnny Bench (1947)	Harry Chapin (1942)	Ellen Burstyn (1932)
Ted Knight (1923)	Eli Wallach (1915)	Louis Prima (1910)

Aaron Carter = SO AWESOME!

Top songs of the year of her birth were:

Aquarius/Let the Sun Shine In by Fifth Dimension	In the Year 2525 by Zager & Evans
Get Back by Beatles (with Billy Preston)	Sugar, Sugar by Archies
Honky Tonk Women by Rolling Stones	Everyday People by Sly & the Family Stone
Dizzy by Tommy Roe	Wedding Bell Blues by Fifth Dimension
I Can't Get Next to You by Temptations	Crimson & Clover by Tommy James & the Shondells

Her age is the equivalent of a dog that is 5.28649706457926 years old. (She's still chasing cats and crapping on the lawn!)

The candles on her birthday cake will produce 37 BTUs, or 9,324 calories of heat (that's only 9.3240 food Calories!) .

You can boil 4.23 US ounces of water with that many candles. 

In the year she was born, there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.  The population at the time was approximately 179,323,175 people, 50.6 persons per square mile.

Her birthstone is Blue Zircon.  The mystical properties of Blue Zircon include helping one be more at peace with oneself.  (I assume this was a mistake, and the wrong birthstone was assigned).

Some lists consider these stones to be her birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources):  Blue Topaz, Ruby, Lapis Lazuli

Her birth tree is the Hornbeam Tree (The Good Taste)

Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined life, looks for kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgment, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with her feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

The moon's phase on the day she was born was waning crescent.

She's also the greatest woman in the world and a fantastic mother.  Schmucks like me don't deserve it so good, but I ain't complaining.

Happy Birthday!

Bang, Zoom, Straight to the Moon!

I read this morning that NASA is planning to build a permanent base on the moon.  COOL!  My nerd-boy juices immediately started flowing, imagining what life bouncing around in 1/6th gravity would be like, or the joy of watching the Earth rise in the morning.  But more importantly, it reminded me of humanity's need to look beyond the silliness of day-to-day life and cast our eyes forward to what's best for our long-term survival.

One of the things I love about scientists is how visionary and politically agnostic they are.  They spend their time focusing on possibilities, posing giant questions like "Can we cure illness?" or "Can we travel through time?" then probing and testing in an earnest attempt to answer those questions.  Name another field where professionals from competing nations cooperate without thought to the commercial or political ramifications of working together.  With only the rare exception, they work together to make the world a better place, uncovering truths we need to know and bravely standing up to ignorance and misunderstanding.  They may be socially awkward, and but imagine where we'd be without them.

I'm sure most people dismiss the idea of a moon-base as science fiction, an unnecessary waste of energy and money on a flight of fancy.  As a species the Earth has always been able to provide the resources we needed to survive and flourish.  Realistically, though, that cannot last, and it may not be long before wars are fought over fresh water instead of ideology (or, god forbid, the Gamalons attack).  Setting up residence on the moon is more than a quest for cheese or a monolith; it's a first step in our long-term survival.